Oct 2022

I was not preparedA lot to learn

I normally don't remove my writing or work, as I keep my mistakes publicly accessible.

However, my last writing on being unprepared was insensitive since it discusses my pain before I've acknowledged the mistakes that I've made for the other side.

I've chosen to remove the writing from FetLife for now and focus on the other side first. I will keep the writing on my site, but preface it with this piece of text.

I want to thank everyone for the feedback that I've gotten on this. Especially the critique has been helpful to be more aware of my actions.

I apologize for my insensitivity and thank you for helping me grow.

Original post below

This is going to be a longer post about my past, learning to say no, managing eagerness, building up trust and my reaction to "fan behavior".

It’s a complex issue that I think a lot of adult content creators face. And, as a cis male nerd I did not have much (or really any) experience with being actively approached by eager subs.

I was not prepared for the eagerness

As a hypnotist & dominant I’ve done sessions with hundreds of people, online and in person.

Most of them were great! I’m eager to please and make sure everyone is enjoying it. I’ve learned a lot from my mistakes and ask for feedback frequently. I’ve had amazing sessions with people I barely knew and built up relationships that lasted for years.

With some I wasn’t careful enough.

Being famous is really strange. Random strangers throw themselves at you, wanting or expecting a level of intimacy that goes far beyond what should be done without building up trust and respect.

On top of that, I am quite excitable. About basically everything. From hypnosis to Lego or programming, from movies to weird facts of a mountain top somewhere in the US.

When it comes to intimacy, this excitement can easily lead to me expressing a desire. Which is fine in most cases, but not to someone who takes my words automatically as commands.

I underestimated the power imbalance

The hypnotic content I make creates a power exchange with the listener and the recording. Even outside that, because of fame and my position within the community, what I say apparently has more impact because I have an audience.

So, I’ve had to learn to be very careful with my words and my actions because of the power imbalance that exists before I speak.

Some may take every word I say as a command or a suggestion, feel intimidated by my position or feel that it is important to “not upset me”. It is something I have to be conscious of and explicitly avoid.

Expressing any kind of desire or interest requires me to be as careful as possible to make more space for someone else to say no.

I had to learn to say "no" and take things slow

Sometimes it feels like a lot of expectation is put upon me. Someone can expect me to treat them the same way the files do. And yeah, in the beginning that felt exciting! However, it isn’t healthy for either of us.

No, we will not have a session with (insert intimacy here) before we’ve had a normal conversation about limits, understanding what you want and checking if you can protect yourself if anything happens.

No, despite my excitement (or yours), we will take things slow. Build up rapport and check in on comfort. Not everything needs to happen immediately.

No, I have limits too. There are things I won’t do with strangers.

I am a stranger, don’t trust me before I’ve earned it

Knowing my content doesn’t mean you know me. The files have my voice, but are not time with me personally. Reading my content online, even this post, means you only know some facts, not the person.

Don’t do anything with me (or any other content creator you like) that you wouldn’t do with a stranger. Because that’s what I am, a stranger. I don’t deserve your trust before I earn it.

You should be able to reject my suggestions as easily as those from a stranger if you need to.

This is why subject agency is so important and why I’m very glad to see it being taught more and more.

The fantasy of being totally controlled is hot. The reality is that you are responsible for your own mind.

My responsibility to inform, as a creator

My content is as safe as I can make it, with easy to access transcripts, descriptions, warnings, tagging and more. If anything is reported missing, it is corrected as soon as possible.

Sessions are a bit more complicated.

I’ve had to learn to recognize the amount of agency a subject has. Reject people that were too eager and unable to say no. Kink is shared between people, I am also responsible.

Unfortunately there were no classes for this 10 years ago and even now, there’s no good way to help file makers to learn this before it happens.

In conclusion: keep learning

Am I done with this lesson? Definitely not! I am still learning how to deal with this situation better. Learning how to say no, to take things slow and to recognize when others give me unearned trust and tell them, has helped a lot.

Writing it all out has been very helpful and I hope it will give clarity to others as well.

Thank you for your time to read this and giving me a moment to express myself.

Communication matters.